Have you ever stopped in the middle of the hall and thought to yourself, “Should I shave this moustache with an inch between each hair? Use less than five pumps of this old spice ‘man scented’ cologne? Stop getting the beef jerky treatment at the tanning salon and finally just take off these shin bashing jorts?”
If this has ever happened to you, we have all the answers you’re looking for, though you may not like them.
The following are what we believe are the most important questions—and the objectively right answers—here at Ida B. Wells high school. We sincerely hope you find them all helpful.
Should I Use Less Cologne or Perfume?
This question is a great example of “shopping cart theory,” where after taking your groceries out of the cart, you take it back to where you got it, so the workers and other normal customers have a slightly easier time living their lives.
This is just like wearing too much cologne or perfume because oftentimes when you’re cloaked in your musky pine sap cologne or Auntie Anne’s scented perfume; you probably enjoy the scent quite a bit. However, you could be giving the people in a 7.5 ft radius around you a killing headache and a nose packed full of the strong odor. Which all could’ve been prevented from a pump or two less of that golden liquid, making other peoples day just that much more bearable.
Is the Middle of the Hallway the Best Spot for Socializing?
Walking through a hallway in high school shouldn’t be as big of an ordeal as it’s become at IBW. Whether stairwells more congested than a nose or people clumping up in the halls talking to their friends in perfect circles, some students are creating an obstacle course for others to just walk from their science class to their English.
If people were to find their own niche spot that’s not in the middle of the main hall, it would make traversing the school easier than it ever has been.
Am I pulling off this moustache?
Having a moustache or beard in high school is a lot like using a hair dryer in the bath. You shouldn’t do it. The fact of the matter is that virtually all moustaches in high school make the moustaché look like they should not be allowed within 500 feet of a high school. Whether the mo is bushy like a caterpillar or thin like a wisp of pubescent smoke, it’s a bad look.
By shaving your moustache you will be doing yourself a favor, making you look less like you drive a creepy old white van. Beards look slightly less creepy, but unless meticulously cleaned and trimmed, most make the wearer seem like they don’t have good hygiene. Shaving regularly will overall make you seem like a cleaner, more approachable person.
How spray tanned is too spray tanned?
The issues surrounding tanning have been handled, sensitively and thoughtfully, in an earlier publication of the headlight. It’s a complicated, multi-layered issue. Fake tans, depending on the method, can be extremely unhealthy, but even the healthier methods have their own issues.
Darkening one’s skin for the sake of beauty is a bad idea. It’s often viewed as culturally appropriative, or at least insensitive; And a tanning treatment can go very bad. No one wants to be orange for multiple weeks, but it’s a real risk when getting a tan. The option that is the safest for all these different reasons is to just skip the tan entirely.
What length of Jort should I wear?
Jorts have become quite popular at IBW. The right jorts with the right outfit can definitely look good. What does not look good, however, are capri length jorts. Baggy, boxy jorts that end mid calf are exceedingly unflattering. The capri length jort makes the wearer look like they have a box hanging from their waist.
They were commonly seen on nu-metal fashion non-icons such as Fred Durst in the early 2000s. So if you want to look like Durst, frontman of Limp Bizkit, this length of jort is for you. If you don’t, then just wear jorts a few inches shorter or pants a few inches longer. This simple change in legwear will make your outfits work much better.
If any of these questions apply to you, take this with a grain of salt. However, by the end of reading this, if you took all of our advice you should be the most popular kid in school, or at least a little closer than you were before. The only way to truly know is to try and change things up. This may mean taking our advice, or just trying to express who you are in other ways.
